The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent (1957)
15.03.2024 · 66 · 0 like
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The men of the obscure and inexplicablysmall clan of Stannjold go off on a routine hunting expedition, leavingbehind their women and one stunted young man named Ottar. At theprompting of Desir, the chieftain's lithe and lovely sweetheart, thewomen decide to set sail in search for their men. In a VERY short time,they build one of the intricate oaken wavehorse ships, embarking intosurprisingly warm waters. We are to assume that they take the samecourse as their men, encountering strange new creatures at sea, such ashark who somehow ended up in the supposedly frigid Norwegian waters, apod of whales, and a large sea serpent that looks suspiciously likethose little lizards that live in the bushes by my house. Oh, I alsoforgot to mention that Ottar stowed away on the voyage (I guess hedidn't want to be the only living soul back at the settlement. Weirdguy) and Enger, the priestess of Thor (and only non-blonde) attempts tokill Desir with a loose spar. Apparently the brunette wants theblonde's beau. Luckily Desir's tiny midsection is made of kevlar,because the accident doesn't even faze her.Oh, yeah, the sea serpent. Well, the women (and Ottar) all findthemselves in the sea after the serpent destroys their vessel. Theywash up on a strange beach, a beach that looks a lot like one of theStar Trek sets. Of course all the women (at least the ones who havenames) and Ottar are fine, but that's when a bunch of horsemen wearingNorthface vests ride up. A few cracks of a whip and we find ourheroines (and one hero) marching along with the horsemen, obviously asprisoners. Now comes the half-cave half-meadhall that Ottar observesmust have been built by Vikings. An oddly placed fanfare later, enterthe head villain.Oh, speaking of head, this guy, Stark, chief/king of the Grimoldwarriors, wears a cross between a Turkish helmet and one of thoseflapped hats you wear while duck hunting. Oh, and a sheepskin/Highlandcow skin poncho. I really don't know what the costume designers werethinking...other than cheap. Let me just say I feel sorry for thatactor. He inspects the new arrivals, managing to grope them all beforeOttar causes some waves. Conveniently, Stark and his men all speak thesame language as the Vikings. Desir inquires as to whether the men ofStannjold are in the Grimold's land, but Stark, who has apparentlyplaced dibs on Desir, evades the question, introduces his too-old andtoo-gay son Senja, who is the only sensibly dressed figure in themovie, but that's the only thing about him that's sensible.Cut to the Viking women accompanying the Grimold warriors on a 'boar'hunt (really just a feral pig hunt) and Senja behaving predictably. Hefalls from his horse, gets cornered by the pint-sized pig, allowingDesir to ride by and skewer the quarry with her spear. Senja throws atantrum, prompting Desir to let him have the credit of the kill, but inexchange for information about the 'yellow-haired prisoners' Senjamentions. Apparently the death of one small pig is occasion for drunkendebauchery later, since we're soon forced to view the great hall of theGrimold's in a state of uproar. The Viking women are all groped andleered at, so much so that Desir (who Stark is currently saving forhimself) seizes up a knife with the intention of killing one of themen, but Senja interrupts this with a challenge of strength. So...theyarm wrestle. Desir loses the first round, but pins Senja's arm in thesecond. As they gear up for a third, Stark halts the humiliation of hisson and declares that the women are slaves and have to do whatever theywant, Viking women or no.And enter Ottar, who reminds me of a gremlin, both in size and inbehavior. He makes a brave show of defiance, but is knocked out cold bya punch from Zarko, the head of Stark's men. Stark decides that nowwould be an appropriate time for the women (and Ottar) to see the otherVikings in his service, the ones who have had the fight knocked out ofthem. So they go into a rock quarry and find their men from Stannjold.Desir and the girls reunite with their oddly clean-shaven, well-fed andquite healthy-looking beaus, all except the maiden Tara (the tallestgirl who gets the shortest guy as her love interest) and Enger. WhenVedric, Desir's sweetheart, embraces the modelesque Viking maid, Stark(who has apparently made advances to Desir and been repulsed) becomesangry and possessive, separating the women from their men and marchingthem back to a bare room (oh, but Ottar gets to stay with the men, sothat we are able to get the backstory in a more convenient manner)Stark leaves the women with the promise that they will not be disturbedin the night, as he wants them all fresh for his men the next day.Sheep-man is baaaaaad.Now comes the daring escape of Desir's younger sister, who slipsthrough the bars on the window with ease, runs to the mine, eitherknocks the guard out or finds him asleep, and frees the men. The menseize up some weapons and make a run for it, only to be stopped byStark and his warriors, waiting for them at the cave entrance. After abrief and poorly-choreographed scuffle, the Vikings are subdued. Sometypical villain ranting occurs, then the respective gender of Vikingsare returned to their cells.Enger shows up in Stark's quarters, having been the one to tell him ofthe planned escape, and demands that Desir be killed. Stark isn't tookeen on killing his preferred potential mistress, but allows Enger togo to Vedric in an attempt to seduce/convince him to run away with her.Vedric answers her offer in a monotone answer of bland cliché, andEnger, a woman scorned, returns to Stark and demands that he kill bothVedric and Desir. Stark agrees, and the next scene shows the two headVikings tied to separate pyres. Stark offers them up as sacrifices totheir nameless storm-god and has Senja light the two pyres. Then hedecides to offer one of the condemned Vikings salvation: whoeverscreams for mercy first will be spared. Well, la-dee-dah, both Desirand Vedric selflessly urge one another to ask for mercy, unwilling tobe the one to survive.Luckily they're slow to catch fire, giving Enger enough time torecognize her own wrongs and seek to amend them. She calls upon Thor tostrike down the Grimold god and to save the couple. Rain falls (for afew seconds, but enough to drench, apparently) and Desir and Vedric aresafe. Senja draws his sword to kill them both, but something we assumeto be a lightning bolt hits him and kills him. Not sure why Stark is sotorn up by the little worm's death, but he fights with Vedric (his'brave warriors' have fled in fear) and is handily beaten. Vedric doesnot kill him, saying that they only wish to be allowed to leave inpeace.Well, Stark pulls a Pharoah. After a strangely Viking-esqueburial/burning of his son's corpse, he sets out to kill all theVikings, loosing two mastiffs. Luckily these mastiffs aren't toobright, and Enger, in a final noble act of redemption, leads them onthe wrong trail, eventually being cornered and mauled to death by thedogs. This allows the Vikings enough time to prepare themselves for afinal scuffle with the Grimold's. We're not sure how this scuffle turnsout, but the Vikings finally get their boat to sea, and the Grimold'ssomehow get another boat to go after them. Enter the title sea serpentagain, who severely frightens the Vikings but doesn't harm them, onlycausing the deaths of the Grimold warriors. Then Vedric hurls his swordat the creature, hitting it in the eye. We assume the big wussy reptiledies...And then the pointless ending scene where you see the shores of theViking's homeland. Everyone is hitched, and those who didn't gethitched are all dead. Enter closing titles screen.